omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
