Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
