Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize