then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
