My Higher Power is John Stamos
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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