i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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