im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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