I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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