saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
