I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize