so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And then my night got REAL pukey
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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