i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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