My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
