K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize