She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
