I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
