between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
