Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
