My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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