ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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