just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
