So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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