I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
