forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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