My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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