I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
