oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
