Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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