when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
