I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
