Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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