my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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