i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
