I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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