Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
