if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
