My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
