How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
