We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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