sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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