you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
