Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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