Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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