I would go down on you faster than GM stock
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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