You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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