Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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