I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
