So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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