come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
