Yo dont text me then not text me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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