There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
