I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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