Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
