I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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