Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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