when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
