i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
