The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize