I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
