I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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