I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize