Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
