PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
