Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
